Food days are prevalent in the corporate landscape. My five years working for a major organization has rendered the following conclusion: the cubicled masses will participate in anything that breaks the monotony of their daily desk jobs.

This includes corporately sponsored events such as book fairs, health fairs, career fairs, educational fairs, professional speakers and so-forth.  It is no doubt that such events provide value to the employees who attend and participate, but I’m always shocked at the sheer amount of people who flock to such events.  They flock like birds … like … like the birds in that Hitchcock movie The Birds. Yeah, that’s it.

Anyway, such events can be lovely … but I would argue that food days are on a completely different level in comparison. 

It’s no mystery: in corporate America, food days go against the concept of simple economics in that they are in high demand AND high supply. 

Corporate food days, when analyzed from a real estate industry perspective, are like being in a buyers market AND a sellers market at the same exact time.

When sponsored by one department, it is common for non-participating departments to catch wind of the food day.  Scent immediately notifies those not involved in the food day that there is, in fact, a food day.  Another way a food day will be revealed is via office-gossip. For example: “Did you hear that HR is having a food day?” This single statement is not only heard by the recipient to whom the communication message was directed.  This utterance, no matter how quiet or seemingly small, is immediately heard across oceans of cubicles.  Ears perk and tummies rumble. Why?  I always laugh at that question. People in corporate America commonly forget: in a building full of carpet walls word travels at a cheetah-like rate.

Sight is another sense commonly regarded as a food day’s dead giveaway. Sight notification occurs when an individual whose nostrils or ears were earlier notified of the food day decides to venture out into the unknown to identify the location of the food. Once the site of food has been determined via the naked eye, it is this individual’s job, because he/she is a team player, to eagerly run back to report the information to his/her fellow work-cronies.   

Now you know how a food day is confirmed.  But now you’re begging the question, “why have a food day?”  I’m glad you asked.

A food day is an excellent way to celebrate virtually anything: Birthdays. Retirements. Anniversaries. Farewells. Welcome backs. Holidays. Certifications. Designations. Promotions. New babies. Weddings. Project completions. Supply cabinet restocks. Asbestos removals.  The addition of Coke Zero to the vending machines. Tornado survival. Tiger-escape-from-zoo survival. Taco bar addition in the cafeteria. Seasonal changes. And so forth.

Sounds fun enough.  But are there any complications brought on by these alleged “food days?”

Well, yes. I argue that food days, while fun and tasty, are rather detrimental to the health of corporate America. The typical food day spread consists of cookies, cakes, pies, taco tips, potato chips, cheese spreads, sweet tea, pizza, meatballs, and cocktail weenies.  These foods are so plentiful during one’s typical 2,000 calorie day that the excess treats tend to spill out from the tip food pyramid in a gush of sugar and fat. 2,000 calorie days double or even triple when a food day is on the horizon.

Not only are food days unhealthy and promote poor eating habits, but they are also consistently supplied at the absolute worst location: among fields of desks where people sit for hours on end, moving only the tips of their chubby sausage fingers in front of a glowing computer screen.

Additionally, food days are often seen by employees as a “free day” for conversation and overall laziness.  “Welp, might as well take a break and grab another plate.”  This is a common expression echoed throughout the building during a food day.  Productivity is low, and caloric intake is high.

In conclusion, food days are prevalent, easily identifiable, fun and well-rounded events yet my ass grows exponentially with every bite of cake and dip of a chip.